When Soul-Searing Moments are Alchemized
Sometimes What Appears To Be An Act Of Rebellion Is Actually A Soul-Searing Moment.
Nope. I’m not doing it.
There’s no way.
They’re all staring at me.
I’m certainly not going to do it now.
The thoughts circled ….
“Just leave me alone”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“No one else is getting talked to like this.”
“I’m BLEEDING!”
“I don’t want to.”
“Please …. Please … please just stop.”
And yet all I could say was, “No.”
Over and over.
Tears welling up in my eyes yet never quite streaking down my cheeks.
“No.”
To Any Outside, I Imagine It …
Looked like I was being a brat.
Sounded like I was being disrespectful.
Seemed like I was throwing a typical pre-teen tantrum.
But what no one knew, was how full of shame I was.
What no one ASKED, was if I was ok.
What no one thought about was how I’d been dreading this moment from the time I started bleeding at 8 years old.
I just looked like a bratty tween who just didn’t want to shower after PE.
But I was mortified.
I was humiliated.
I was scared of what would happen if I took off my shorts.
Tampons weren’t a thing for me, yet.
And she was standing there, reprimanding me.
In front of the entire locker room.
Yelling at me to,
“Take off your clothes, get in the shower, turn on the water for 30 seconds, stand there and then get out. It’s not that hard. You’re making this bigger than it needs to be. THIS WHOLE THING IS HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU WON’T JUST DO AS YOU’RE TOLD. JUST FOLLOW THE RULES.”
And that’s when it started:
The Fear Of What Would Happen To Me
If I Didn’t Do What I Was Told & Follow The Rules.
Holy shit I can feel my little 12 yr old nervous system lighting up as I write this.
30 YEARS LATER.
That little 12 year old’s experiences and feelings are still VERY MUCH alive in me today.
How scared she was.
How unprotected and alone she felt.
How utterly enraged she was but didn’t know that emotion, so the blood rushed to her face and she just turned deeper and deeper shades of red.
I don’t remember how it ended.
Or how long the berating went on.
But for so long, those feelings of shame, embarrassment and a deep yearning to escape were seared into my soul.
THIS REALLY RESONATES - CAN WE TALK?
And going home, to parents who fully appreciated the, “Follow the rules and don’t question authority,” way of parenting was brutal.
The second thing that seared into my little, 12 year old soul that day was this experience of how UTTERLY unsupported I was when I got home.
And my deeply disappointed father said to me,
“Robyn, the rules were made to be followed. No one is ever going to make exceptions for you. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
SEARED.INTO.MY.SOUL.
The fear of “getting in trouble” is still present in my 42 yr old body as well.
My cells.
And my nervous system.
BUT … Luckily through sharing this story (and many others) with my most safe & supportive people and doing deep, compassionate & loving SOUL WORK …
It’s No Longer Seared Into My Soul.
This is power of Soul Work … within community or just between you and one other trusted human.
When you make space & time to slow down.
To go inward and revisit, reflect & remember those truly Soul-Searing moments and then have a safe space to process them … there’s an alchemy that happens.
Something starts to break loose.
Or fall away.
Or crack even more open so that you have access to some of the most tender parts of your Soul.
✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨
And when you have direct access to these tender parts of your soul, you have an opportunity to give them what they may need.
You have an opportunity to get more curious with them.
You have a chance to LOVE on them and BE loved on by your trusted other human or humans.
So My Dear, Is There Something That SEARED INTO YOUR SOUL That Is Yearning For A Bit Of Tending To?
Was there something in you the FELT a stirring as you read this?
I would love to invite you into a space to do Soul Work with me.
Allow yourself to be witnessed, honored, and supported as you tend to those tender parts of your Soul.
There are many ways to do this, but if you’re interested let’s have a gentle conversation about what kind of Soul Work would feel most nourishing for you.
