When my Anxiety & Heartbreak Broke Up
I rolled out my yoga mat.
Right next to the one next to me.
And someone came and rolled theirs out right next to mine.
I remember feeling annoyed.
I don’t like being so close to strangers.
I prefer to be in the corner.
In the back.
Feeling held by the physical space.
Not only was I fully exposed by being in the middle of the room.
I was surrounded by women I didn’t know.
And This Wasn’t A Yoga Class.
3 months into my dark night of the Soul (post-break-up from an absolutely magical, charming, Neo-tantric, egomaniac) this was how I healed.
Instead of drinking nightly (like I wanted to do)
Or shopping for shit I didn’t need online. (Like I used to)
Or binge on all my favorite salty, crunchy foods. (Like I totally thought I would because that’s my jam)
I Signed Up For Workshops.
The ones where I didn’t know anyone.
Where I had to show up, not knowing a soul.
And do weird, woo-woo shit.
And today was one of those workshops.
Manifesting Through Intention Workshop.
I arrived and said my name as I checked in.
The host, Ronnie M** pulled me aside and talked to me with the strangest, loving, peculiar energy.
She told me how grateful she was that I’d come.
Ronnie M was the angel I didn’t know I needed, and who will forever be in my heart.
Because she had a dear friend with my exact name, who was ALSO registered to be there but the week before was in a serious car accident and was currently in the hospital.
O….K….
Was this some sort of tactic to get me feeling super special so I’d come to another event?
I wasn’t sure. (Turns out it totally wasn’t but wow … it was wild)
As we all took our places on our mats.
Packed into this small room, like sardines…
I couldn’t help but feel anxious.
I was grateful to be able to look up and out the window.
At the mix of macrame & colorful paper creations.
Lying on my back in the room, I could feel my old friend anxiety arriving on cue.
I lean toward anxiety in times like these.
When things are unfamiliar, anxiety makes Her entrance.
I’m familiar with her showing up & joining me at new experiences.
I’m familiar with her telling me “this is so dumb, why are we even here?”
And I’m All TOO Familiar With Her Popping In And Out, Like An Annoying Gnat Flying Around My Face, Buzzing - Distracting Me. Pulling Me Outta The Moment.
But as the instructor started leading us through breath work exercises, I realized there was no longer any space for her.
Anxiety seemed to have found her way to the back of the room, in that corner that I was yearning for … watching in awe.
Holy Shit She Was Quiet For The First Time In Ages.
And then it began.
This wild journey.
The story that unfolded for me.
Seeing myself in a field.
Surrounded by loving women.
As I laid down.
With my head in one of their laps.
And the other 6 sitting all around me, cross-legged, wearing all white.
It was beautiful.
THEY were beautiful.
I remember thinking,
Ha! This is like playing ‘Light as a feather, stiff as a board’ when I was a kid.
Yet, this was NOTHING like that.
They were chanting.
They were singing.
They were holding my hands up.
I could feel them encouraging me.
I don’t know what they were encouraging me to do.
Perhaps it was just encouragement to BE.
To remember that I am here for a reason.
That My Dark Night Of The Soul Was Coming To An End.
That my suffering had served its purpose.
That I could rise up and out of the FIRE.
Holy shit it was like walking through FIRE those 3 months leading up to this day.
All the parts of me that had broken off & frayed - had been singed off. It was time to emerge from the dirty muck.
And my anxiety was no where to be seen, or felt or heard.
It’s like she felt the gift as well.
The well deserved break.
She (My Anxiety) And Heartbreak, Which Had Walked Hand-In-Hand For The Last Three Months Were Finally Given Rest.
It was time for them to separate.
And as they did, and I came back into the room I felt my hair, and pillow completely soaked.
I had no recollection of crying.
But those tears were like a cleaning.
A washing away.
We all quietly, slowly and almost trance-like walked out to the ocean.
To continue the releasing.
The washing away.
My heart felt peace that it had been begging for, for months.
My soul felt peace that it had been begging for, for months.
And my entire body felt rested for the first time in months.
I Will Remember That Day That I Emerged From My Dark Night Of The Soul.
The day I emerged from the fire.
The Day My Anxiety And Heartbreak Finally Broke Up.
And remember, that whenever I find myself BEGGING for something to end, or for it to just be anything other than what it currently is …
That my begging will never speed things up.
My bargaining will never bring me what I want.
And my pleading will never make things so.
I will allow for the sorrow.
The pain.
The experience of it all.
And I will welcome the coming through.
The emergence.
And the next part of the journey.
This is your invitation, my dear - to create space for the allowing.
Stop fighting it.
It’s happening.
And no amount of begging, pleading or bargaining will speed this up.
(Trust Me, I’ve Tried It. Many Times. And It Doesn’t Work)
AND … remember to reach out.
While you may have little control over HOW QUICKLY you move through this, you DO have control over WHO is with you along the way.
If you feel like there’s no one currently in your world, who can be with you along this part of your journey - reach out.
**Ronnie M has done & is doing many new things since this Manifesting Through Intention Workshop Series, so check her out. She JUST might be the angel you didn’t know you needed. CLICK HERE to learn all about Ronnie M. 💜
